Your parents are retired and they’re getting older. Get used to it!
1. They will be really excited to see you.
2. Eating dinner before 6 p.m.
Because they’re ready for bed by 9 p.m.
3. Spending hours looking at photos from your mom’s recent trip abroad.
Your dad stayed home because he wanted a vacation too.
4. Seeing an Oldies cover band, likely performed at a local college auditorium, park pavilion or Knights of Columbus hall.
“We’re going to see the Rat Pack! Aren’t they all dead? Well, it’s the same music.”
5. Your meals will be home cooked and delicious.
But if you go out to dinner, your folks will have a coupon and ask about a senior citizen discount.
6. You’ll end up at the grocery store with your mom.
7. Your parents will be awake and ready to start the day before you’ve opened your eyes.
8. Expect the cereal options to be filled with fiber, soy and oats.
9. Your mom will insist on feeding you every two to three hours.
10. Hearing the same family stories over and over again.
At this point, you can tell them yourself.
11. Your parents fall asleep after sitting in a recliner for more than 10 minutes.
You walk into the room and ask your dad, “hey, what happened to my old—” and then realize he’s unconscious with his mouth open.
12. Your mom butchering a well-known celebrity’s name.
“You know, JJ Cool (LL Cool J)… Kevin Coaster (Kevin Costner)…Jerry Steinfeld (Seinfeld)”
13. Your parents sharing their concerns about your future.
Job? 401K? Wife? Husband? Kids?
14. Snoring. Lots of snoring.
15. Learning about the latest natural food remedy, diet or exercise.
16. Followed by your mom shoving fresh baked cookies in your face.
“Just have one. They’re right out of the oven…But don’t spoil your appetite.”
17. Keeping to a tight schedule…
…of doing very little beyond necessary life functions.
18. Doing yard work you haven’t done since you earned an allowance.
“Real mature, kids.”
19. Helping fix that small thing that will only take a few minutes.
20. But otherwise not having to lift a finger.
21. Thanking your parents for everything.
And them telling you, “That’s what parents are for.”
22. Making new memories with your folks.
Finally, a new story so we can stop talking about Christmas 1998.